Reflections

Every once in a while I sit down and take stock of where I am, where I’ve been, where I am going and yes, if I am being truly honest, where I am going to have my pity party next. The pity parties are becoming farther and farther apart as are the thoughts of having one but recently…. let’s just say I’ve been contemplating one that, honestly, I would think that by now I would have the knowledge of how to avoid.

But that’s the point isn’t it?

If it were easy to be in recovery then everyone who decided one day that they were finished with drinking or using would just ‘poof’ stop. That however, is usually not the case. Some of us decide and succeed in walking away and well some of us, we go kicking and screaming and have to have absolutely ridiculous things happen to us before the light bulb turns on and we say to ourselves: “Okay, THAT was enough – it’s time.”

Might I add that, from experience, once the light bulb happens the process becomes infinitely simpler.

In recovery you learn things like:

• Keep It Simple
• First Things First
• Change Your Playgrounds & Playmates

In the past two years I’ve been pretty successful (not all the time but a substantial portion of the time) at keeping those three simple rules activated and not thinking that I was above them. I’m afraid to say that over the past few weeks I’ve let a few of them slide – okay, all of them. As in: off the charts, down the abyss, in the hole take your analogy. This morning was a wake up call that I need to talk about. This morning I, inadvertently, went against the number 1 rule – the one to keep it simple.

How?

Simple: I tried too hard. I forgot myself and who I am, what is important to me, and that just by being me I’m probably likeable enough by at least someone.

Right now those feelings of ‘someone isn’t going to like me if I’m not just like them’ are flooding back to the surface and I don’t like them. I’m questioning myself AND ANSWERING which is a dangerous thing. The questioning is okay, it’s the answering that always gets me into trouble. So I’m back to the same day I started this journey (for reals this time – unlike all the other times it was just BS to get my husband to shut up) – I’m using my tools – I’m not rationalizing but I am taking a serious inventory and working through the what’s of my thoughts, whether or not it’s a rational thought, and who or how can I get some help with it.

God, I wish that this was easier. I wish that it was just a simple decision and didn’t have any long term impact and most of all – I wish that my brain would just CHANGE.