The Reunion

I watched as the car pulled up onto the gravel drive and waited for him to get out. Here he is I thought as he got out of the car and walked towards me. I was anxious about the evening but the afternoon had been so anti-anxiety producing (THANK YOU Sonja & Andy!) that I had almost convinced myself that I was being ridiculous. I was anxious most of all about all the things that would be thought but left unsaid.

I was anxious for both myself and my husband but for very different reasons.

For me, I was anxious because I was going to be in a place where I knew very few people and most of them would be drinking. Don't misunderstand - I wasn't worried about *wanting* to drink, but rather I was anxious about what I would do with my hands. Much like an ex-smoker, those in recovery have a lot of issues with what do with the hands. (Maybe it's a universal recovery thing - I don't know.) What do I do with them? I can't grab a cocktail glass for dear life like I use to. Maybe I'll put them on the table. No, that will look freakish. Maybe I'll just keep them next to my side? Yes, that sounds better.

For my husband, I was anxious about the pink elephant that was standing front and center in the room. Although I'm not going into detail suffice it to say that it's a pretty damn big elephant. And, although my husband will tell you that he's over it, that it doesn't matter anymore, that he's moved on, I know that isn't totally the truth. He might have moved past the event but he's not over the aftermath.

And it makes me FURIOUS.

It makes me furious that people who profess to be friends can be so far from it. It makes me furious that he now feels alone in a place that use to feel the most secure. It makes me furious that he's forced to live a life that is so different than the one that he had planned.

It shouldn't matter but it does.
It shouldn't be a big deal but yet it is.
And, if the situation was reversed, it would matter and be a big deal to you too.

Don't get me wrong, if it weren't for you I would be with him today.

But here is what I want to say, to YOU:
It makes me furious that he feels lost when he should be feeling found.
And maybe this isn't nice but someday, someway you will feel the same.