The Hardest 12 Steps - Step 1

After being forced into taking that look into the mirror and honestly ask myself if I had a problem with alcohol I froze. I froze because I didn't *want* to come to the realization that I had a problem. I froze because frankly I wasn't sure what to do after I admitted it.

I froze and ran. For 3 more very, very long years.

The internets are abuzz lately with women admitting that they too might need to take that look in the mirror. In reading their tales I wonder who looked back at them when they looked into that mirror.

Was it as it was for me a look of disgust bordering on hate?
Was it a look of acceptance, of relief?

*What* did they see staring back at them?

Part of recovery, whether or not an 'official' 2 step program is being followed, is coming to the acceptance that life as it is known right now, isn't working any longer. That just saying "NO" isn't working. That being 'in control' is beyond what is possible. Accepting defeat, moving past the denial on this first step sometimes takes a very very long time.

In my head I know that the questions that I posted above have answers that aren't really needing to be answered - at least to me.

But still, I wonder.

I wonder if I'm alone with the way that I feel about myself.
xoxo, sober mommy