Why Can't She Just Stop?

Recently I've been part of several 'how much is too much' drinking
conversations and having them brought back lots and lots of bad
memories.  Watching as women sat and made attempts to distance
themselves from what the outside looks obvious.  After one such
discussion a husband looked at me and asked if I had been the same
way.  Yes, was my answer.

It's a tight line I walk sometimes with discussing drinking too much.
What is drinking too much?  When is it too much?  Where does the line
cross from 'something we all did when we were young' to over the top?
When speaking I have to tell the truth - the answers to questions like
the ones asked above have to be answered by the person who is asking
them.  Unfortunately there are no easy answers and no rules.  If only
there were a list to check off - hungover more than 3 times a week?
Blacking out more than once a month?  Counting down the hours until
5:00 when it's 'acceptable' to have a cocktail?  If only.

I sat down and discussed that when I was drinking my mind was not
really my own - that once the line was crossed it became harder and
harder to see the progression of my drinking and its impact and that
at some point it was impossible.  The husband told me that his wife
was a good mother.  A good friend.  Of course she is I said.  I told
him that women feel so much guilt and remorse about their drinking
that just making a decision that having a problem is the easy part -
the hard part is what to do about it.

So many questions.
Can't she just stop?
Can't she see that she's hurting the children?
Can't she see that I miss her at night?

The best that I could do was to help him understand that the problem
didn't start yesterday.  That it had been there for a while - even if
it wasn't evident.  I talked about how for me it wasn't something that
just went way like a bad case of the flu.  That it takes  time and
that truly it's never really 'done'.  My husband suggested that he try
and find someone to talk with so that he would have somewhere to vent
and to get support for himself - that helping himself wasn't selfish -
it was necessary.  So many things to fit into an hour - an hour was
just the start.

Just Stop.  Just Stop.
How I remember thinking that .... for years.

I bet she is too.

Because Clearly I Am Losing My Mind

I mean seriously? How do you top off a post about that nut known as Tila Tequila *which, just in case you are wondering what it does to your stats let me just say that a whole lot of people are searching for TT crazy stories these days*.

I titled this post 'Because Clearly I Am Losing My Mind' because that is the only explanation I can use because of late I cannot remember anything for the life of me.  ! I mean nothing. Phone numbers - gone in < 60 seconds. I cannot even remember a telephone number after I JUST LISTENED to the message! A couple of weeks ago I forgot that I drove to work and got on the train to go home. Luckily I only made it one stop before I had to turn around and go back. Let's just say that put total suckage into my anticipated early arrival home.

And finally the one that makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach turn - I lost my iPhone. I know, I know, it's just a phone but I loved that little piece of hardware. I loved the app store, I loved the cute little icons, I loved the clear pictures and nice graphics.

Don't pretend you guys don't have the same fetish because I KNOW YOU.

So now I'm back to writing things down and carrying sticky notes like I'm a kindergartener and the teacher has to pin a note to my shirt that says, "I ride bus 7000". I always thought that was kinda cute but you
know what? It's not so cute for a 42 year old.

AND I have to get a new phone.
A cheap phone.
One that possibly won't even have - gasp here - internet access.

Tila Tequila Is A Mess - And Not A Hot One

Tila Tequila is a mess.
And not a hot one.

If you are like me sometimes you just wander around the Twitter to see what else is out there.  For me I have this secret life of watching the Kardashian sisters, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe to be exact.  It’s a guilty pleasure.  I love me some Khloe!  She just cracks me up every time.  I’m also guilty of watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians for HOURS if it’s a marathon I haven’t seen before.  This does not endear me to my husband though.    Since I’m sure that the sisters are stumbling over themselves reading this let me take this minute to shout out the following:  Kourtney, do what makes you happy but hopefully you’ll find more happiness with someone other than Scott.  He’s just not nice.  And my all time favorite – Miss Khloe.  Don’t.Change.A.Thing.

So getting back to how the Kardashians lead me to Tila…  Somewhere between reading tweets by Kim and following down other rabbit holes I found Miss Tila.  (Or then again she could be Mama T.  Take your pick – depending on her personality of the day either of them could be right) And what a rabbit hole it turned out to be – it’s  much like watching Alice In Wonderland only without Johnny Depp in a frightening orange hat.  First we find out that Tila is bisexual.  Then she’s not.  Oh wait, she’s really a lesbian.  Except when she wants to be pregnant – then she’s not.  Oh wait, she already was pregnant but it was only a donor (procurement completed through the ‘old fashioned way’).  But then…baby daddy wants to marry her – so maybe she really isn’t gay.  Or maybe she is.  She’s just not sure.

She’s also not sure if she’s pregnant or not.  In December she was wanting to be a surrogate for her brother and was undergoing some sort of bizarre IVF procedure – as in I never did really understand if it was her egg or her sister in law’s and lord knows who was the ‘donor’.  The potential mixes are just too much for me to think through.

In January the ‘love of her life’ Casey Johnson died.  I think at that time she was a lesbian but it’s hard to tell because in late January she’s pregnant for sure and she’s gushing about what a ‘catch’ and how ‘beautiful’ the baby daddy is.  I know that most of us are pretty sure who the father’s of our children are (I mean we can at least narrow it down to 1 or 2) but you know what?   She’s really not so sure either too.  First baby daddy is a war hero from Texas that was her childhood best friend.  Next he was European.  After that he was African American but not the war hero from Texas – he was a rapper.  Oh but wait, he’s really not the rapper because the rapper gets all up in her face and calls her out on it. 

Tila stays pregnant until February when she magically goes from early in her first trimester to 13 weeks pregnant.  Man, time flies when you are only sorta pregnant.  I could recap the pregnancy but let’s just go forward to last week when we learn that she lost her pregnancy back in February when a chair hit her on the head (not sure how a dented head and a pregnancy loss go together considering how FAR AWAY the head is from the stomach.  But I digress) and then went through an IVF round to become pregnant again.  Now that she’s pregnant again she hasn’t ventured out yet into who is he donor – I guess it isn’t yet time to go down that hole.  But guess what?  Her IVF doctor is Dr. Danza…I mean Dr. Danrza.  I know, I know, if I were writing big check to someone I would least know who to make it payable to.

OH and did I mention that she is having twins?  She’s sure, well except that according to her ‘due date’ of December 10 (plus minus 10 days) she’s really only been pregnant since like March 10^th or so.  I guess when you are crazy it’s easy to also be psychic.  It’s all beginning to exhaust me.  At this point I need something to take notes on so I can keep up. 

I’ve pretty much caught you up to date.  Well, except for decisions that she wants to be in the spotlight, doesn’t want to be in the spotlight, is a media mogul or maybe just wants to sing and act.  Signs acts to her ‘management company’ and then never talks about them again.

If you care to join me in insanity you too can follow her at @tilaomg and read the insanity recaps at www.tilasrotspot.blogspot.com

Ever wonder how I got here????

Thanks to Stefanie over at Baby On Bored I'm telling my story. Come over and join in if you want. --Me

Celebrity Rehab – Season 3

I have become obsessed with Celebrity Rehab.

Why?

First of all it is a perfect view of rehab. Rehab is an exhausting, painful process. Discussing feelings and situations that you are afraid of and have been hiding for a lifetime takes *so* much out of you. Coming face to face with your family the first time sober is terrifying. The feelings they go through discussing their fears for you is painful. Unfortunately the rehab process sometimes takes multiple attempts before you've gotten everything out and are able to find a doctor that can really look objectively and look beyond the addiction to see what else could be the matter. I know that it did for me. Over and over I would tell the doctor out of my anxiety. I would tell them about my depression and about when I would I do things impulsively and they would just say that was my addiction. All the while I would see on my forms a bipolar diagnosis. No one ever took the time to refer me to a doctor that would help those feelings.

Finally someone did and real rehab began. The doctor told me that becoming sober would be almost impossible without meds to help and would continue to be depressed, continue to wrap myself in my feelings and self medicate to calm the anxious feelings.

I still can get mad that I was treated as a worthless alcoholic rather than someone who needed help over and above my addiction.

I'm particularly interested this season of Celebrity Rehab in a couple of people:

Mindy McCready - The amount of solidarity I feel for her is immense. I have so much empathy for losing custody of her child. She's someone that I *hope so much* makes it. She's worth it. I hope that she sees it too. I saw the article that was on ET Online and she looks great.

Mike Starr - Mike's struggle with acceptance over the death of his friend is heartbreaking. This week's show showed though how the simple act of having someone whose opinion you value most tells him that she forgives him - that it wasn't his fault - that his friend would have wanted him to make the best of his life. I truly hope that this momentous event for him has made all the difference because he's worth it too.

If you too are struggling with addiction I encourage you to find the help of someone known as addiction doctor. They specialize in not only helping you through your addiction but they also focus on some of the medical <em>why</em> of addiction.

When I did I got sober.

And it saved my life.

Talking' Valentines With Girl Talk Thursday

I found this week's Girl Talk Thursday pretty interesting. I'm always
amazed that some people 'fight' for 'official' days to acknowledged and then until the next one they are satisfied and life is just all great
and happy - while receiving no acknowledgement at all.

So here goes my thought...

For me Valentine's Day has always been a 'whatever' day. I guess my 'Whatever' of Valentine's Day stems from this one simple thought.

I would rather someone be nice to me on any random day than to pretend
or feel forced to be nice to me because the date on the calendar is
February 14th.

And you know what?
For the most part I get that.
So 'Whatever' it is.

Look, I just need my drugs and other random facts from my existence

I mean, how hard is it?

Why is it that EVERY TIME I have to order from you Medco it is a nightmare. Not just any nightmare. A nightmare of EPIC proportions. I order one order and it comes in 1,2,3…87 shipments – it just depends on the number of scripts I request. For a company that professes to save you money I just don’t see how sending each d*mn one in its own individual UPS package saves us money. It would seem like it would make an awful lot of sense to…I dunno…fill the request, IN FULL, and then send it out?

Trust me.
Sending each script INDIVIDUALLY through UPS ain’t cheap. Believe me, my husband works there.

Medco – I just totally don’t get you.
And, I’m not sure I want to.

And now, an update on the wee ones:
The wee one has made **3** pee pee’s in the potty. Woo Hoo!
The middle one is continuing to eek out the school year. I wish I could fast forward her to graduation. For her sake. And mine.
The oldest one has Freshman Festival coming up this Saturday for high school. We went to the ‘orientation’ for high school last week. Dude, high school is scary now. I’m glad that I don’t have to go.

Anyone looking to support a new mommy who totally deserves it go to http://www.myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com.

And, last but not least, I get a new laptop for work soon. It can’t happen soon enough because my keyboard?

It’s driving me crazy.