The Hardest 12 Steps - Step 1

After being forced into taking that look into the mirror and honestly ask myself if I had a problem with alcohol I froze. I froze because I didn't *want* to come to the realization that I had a problem. I froze because frankly I wasn't sure what to do after I admitted it.

I froze and ran. For 3 more very, very long years.

The internets are abuzz lately with women admitting that they too might need to take that look in the mirror. In reading their tales I wonder who looked back at them when they looked into that mirror.

Was it as it was for me a look of disgust bordering on hate?
Was it a look of acceptance, of relief?

*What* did they see staring back at them?

Part of recovery, whether or not an 'official' 2 step program is being followed, is coming to the acceptance that life as it is known right now, isn't working any longer. That just saying "NO" isn't working. That being 'in control' is beyond what is possible. Accepting defeat, moving past the denial on this first step sometimes takes a very very long time.

In my head I know that the questions that I posted above have answers that aren't really needing to be answered - at least to me.

But still, I wonder.

I wonder if I'm alone with the way that I feel about myself.
xoxo, sober mommy

How To NOT Work All Day

**NOTE: This is a work of fiction.
***NOTE: In the interest of anyone actually entertaining any actual *thought* that I don' know...WORK.

In my 20403034 years of working I've determined that sometimes at WORK you have to give yourself a little time out. That's right, a time OUT. Otherwise you can find yourself explaining why you rolled your eyes while others were talking but weren't actually **saying** anything. Not that this happens to me. Well, it does but who's counting?

For me my time out involves trolling the interwebs. Where I work though there are APPROPRIATE and INAPPROPRIATE websites and those deemed "Inappropriate For Business Use" are of course all the fun ones so I'm forced to be more resourceful in my trolling. In all honesty though it would be so much easier to just allow Facebook at the office. I mean, unless you're addicted to Farmville or whatever it is. Then it probably wouldn't be. I guess that's why I don't run the office for appropriate vs. inappropriate.


When one enters into a NOT SAFE website you get an error. These errors instill fear in everyone. Needless to say, I go out of my way to avoid such encounters.

Until today.

Today I was over at and somehow wandered onto a link to a post titled: Being Bipolar Got Me Screwed...A Lot. Words cannot even fathom how fast I clicked that link. Of course I completely discarded the fact that it indicated it had been written for a s*x column. Of course I totally ignored the fact that I was **at work** and not **at home** where each of my keystrokes aren't being monitored. Of course.


Not that I would look at anything like that at work.

Of course.

xoxo, sober mommy

A Wordy Wednesday

Q: What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look a little flushed.

One pee on the potty down, thousands more to go.

Yes, you read right one pee on the potty down for Anna Grace!

One step closer towards no diapers means one step closer to more disposable income.
I'm totally getting a maid.

Hurry up kid.
xoxo, sober mommy

Disney World Is Fun....Sorta

Disney World is fun. Well, it's suppose to be fun until your feet feel like they may fall off.

Last weekend I had to force my age. I had to admit that at 40...I mean 42 I can no longer hang with teenagers nor can I can hang out until 11:00 at Disney World nor can I (and this is the big one) walk around Disney World again, and again, and again untill 11:00 and then wake back up at 7:00 in the morning.

If you haven't figured it out yet last weekend I, along with 6 other parents, took 40 teens to Disney World. To say that I am still exhausted is a gross understatement. Don't misunderstand, they are great teens - there was never a minute's issue with them.

I'm just exhausted and my feet, they feel like they are going to fall off.
xoxo, sober mommy

God, I am boring...

Title says it all.

I'm boring. I'm bored. I'm tired of not doing anything and not making any progress towards paying off the insurrountable amount of debt that I amassed during my crazy time.

On the other hand I'm happy that my relationships are improving. I love my children. I'm grateful that I *have* the money to be bitching about the debt that I created and still pay the mortgage and utilities.

Mostly though I'm tired of being boring.
I miss not having any friends.

I'm gonna have to do something about that.
I don't know.
But I gotta do something.
xoxo, sober mommy

A New Year, A New Me

Happy New Year!!

If anyone is still out there reading, I'm still here..
Obviously not writing. But that is due for a change.

I can't say that 2009 was a bad year unlike...say...2001-2004.

What I can say is that 2009 was the year where some of my priorities came back in line with where they were suppose to be all along. Priorities that were shifted due to emotional stress, lack of time, and worst of all, personal stupidity.

2009 was the year when I decided that I just had to be the person that I was - to stop hiding behind what I thought others wanted me to be or what others felt that I should be. To accept some of what I had not been able to accept (and note this is still a work in progress). In 2009 I found that, in a somewhat Sally Fieldish way, that **people really like me** - **they really do**.

What will 2010 bring?

I hope it brings more time with my family, a new friend or two, and more opportunities to help other women through recovery. Oh, and a slap on my hand for when I want to use commas because I'm dire need of slap.

Will I succeed? Let's check back in a year and see.
xoxo, sober mommy