TGIT - Otherwise known as: This Week Stinks

I's only Thursday but heck it seems like Friday to me.

Go to work. Come home to sick baby. Awake to the sound of screaming around 2AM. Feel baby - burning up. Take baby to kitchen and proceed to try and give tylenol. Give tylenol - baby spits it out. Repeat twice. Decide not to try a third time as you do not wish to OD the baby on Tylenol. Change tactic. Attempt baby motrin instead. Have baby spit it back out. Decide to just go back to bed - surely something stayed in.

Take sick day. Go to doctor. Try not to kill someone while doctor's appointment takes 3 hours. Determine baby is, in fact sick. (Not to be totally snarky here but honestly, even I could have figured it out - I have YET to understand what I waited 3 hours for - I knew the tests he was going to run I could have just ordered them myself, waited for the results and then told him the medicine I wanted - we could have ALL saved time.) Stumble through the rest of the day and THEN: Awake to the sound of screaming around 2AM. Feel baby - burning up. Take baby to kitchen and proceed to try and give tylenol. Give tylenol - baby spits it out. Repeat twice. Decide not to try a third time as you do not wish to OD the baby on Tylenol. Change tactic. Attempt baby motrin instead. Have baby spit it back out. Decide to just go back to bed - surely something stayed in.

Devise plan to get out of the house where husband goes to work early and we do the 'switch off' and I then leave. Execute plan perfectly. Drive to work in silence and feel....bliss. Stay in office all day...alone...get caught up and feel at ease and THEN: Awake to the sound of screaming around 2AM. Feel baby - burning up. Take baby to kitchen and proceed to try and give tylenol. Give tylenol - baby spits it out. Repeat twice. Decide not to try a third time as you do not wish to OD the baby on Tylenol. Change tactic. Attempt baby motrin instead. Have baby spit it back out. Decide to just go back to bed - surely something stayed in.

Decide to execute the Wednesday plan again. Get weary body ready to go to work and drag sleeping (yes, sleeping NOW) baby to drop off. Rear end someone. Yes, that's right REAR END SOMEONE. Be thankful no one is hurt. And that brings to now which I FULLY think will go as the following two nights have with: Awake to the sound of screaming around 2AM. Feel baby - burning up. Take baby to kitchen and proceed to try and give tylenol. Give tylenol - baby spits it out. Repeat twice. Decide not to try a third time as you do not wish to OD the baby on Tylenol. Change tactic. Attempt baby motrin instead. Have baby spit it back out. Decide to just go back to bed - surely something stayed in.

I should mention that my husband has been snoring like a train. Note that this ONLY amplifies my annoyance and exhaustion. But that's another post for another day.

Yes, the week has sucked.
xoxo, sober mommy

An Open Letter To My Friends

Dear, well, everyone:

My entry into the blogging world came a very long time ago. In fact I even remember exactly how I found the genre. I found them through Jennifer Weiners website. At her main site she linked to her blog and I began to followed it. More importantly, at the bottom of her blog she had links to others - mom blogs, writer blogs. I read them all. At the time my children were little and my job was out of town Monday through Friday so I would spend my evenings after I got back to my hotel going from blog to blog - reading and commenting. Eventually though, the kids got a little older, my life got busier and my attention span drifted away. Ultimately though I would always return - I would always go back and read Jennifer's blog and then link, link, link to others. I loved hearing what others had to say.

Then I got divorced.
It's hard to explain the loneliness that I felt at that time. It's funny, the more you stay alone the more difficult it becomes to get out - or at least it has been for me. I can count, on one hand, the number of times since I was divorced that I've gone out with friends. Its easy because the number of times is none. At first I said I was a hermit jokingly then it became reality.

So, at the beginning of this year I made a commitment to myself. I was tired of being alone. I was also seriously freaked out about going out and trying to find a friend. So, being the nerd that I am I decided to let the internet be my guide. My first venture in was Facebook or, as my 13 year old daughter calls it, the gateway drug to Twitter. I enjoyed Facebook and I still do but was craving immediate gratification (like any good addictive personality would).

That led me to Twitter I found my first few friends on Twitter through their 'follow me' birds on their blogs. I took them at their word that they would follow me back and you know what? For the most part you have. I've linked from person to person and somehow, over the span of a few months now have dozens of women (and men) that I call friends. I remember my first few tweets as well - I apologize if you were one of those who received one - they were really, really bad - worse than the drivel I tweet now if you can believe it.

All of this to say....

Thank you so much for the friendship and support you have all given to me over the past 4 months. To say that you've helped prop me up and bring back the person who was lost for so many years is not an understatement. I hope that in some way I am supporting you back as well. Just six months ago I would have been terrifed to write about my recovery, my family, my life but watching you all made ME want to open up more - and that is something I've ran from for a very long time.

YOU are part of my life now.
And I'm so glad.
xoxo, sober mommy

....And We Have A High School Kid

In our family last week marked the 'official' start to back to school activities - you know the drill - haircuts were scheduled, dentist appointments occurred, school supplies began to be gathered - you get the point.

I realized during this that, as of this year, our family would have a high schooler. Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car when my soon to be step son walked out of his mom's house and got in - gangly limbs and all.

It literally just seems like yesterday, but it's not.

So in preparation of this momentous event (e.g. said son being in high school) I thought I would take a moment and write down several truths that his father and I will be conveying to him:

1) Everything you do now begins to count. Remember those days of slacking off, not really caring about the actual grade you got because you knew you knew the material? GONE. You have some high expectations of yourself for where you want to go for college - expectations that require you to do your best so DO IT.
2) Stay away from girls that seem like they might be a little high maintenance. While this might seem a little dramatic in the beginning, trust us that no girl is worth it in the long run - no matter how hot they are. Date them once, twice, three times but don't get involved with them.
3) When you are asked what you want for your birthday or Christmas please don't say 'whatever' because you might be disappointed - as you were this last year - it's better to be exact, including specifications, at this point.
4) You will not be getting a car when you turn 16. There is no surprise coming your way. Choose a more realistic gift or risk # 3 happening.
5) We realize that you will probably want to experiment - please always keep in mind that when you do adult things you therefore accept adult responsibilities.
6) Stay a kid as long as possible - don't be in a rush to grow up. You'll be an adult for the rest of your life. Trust your father and I when we tell you that it's not that much fun.
7) Prom night is not the night to suddenly become stupid. You've been warned.
8) When your friends date girls and those relationships end don't take the seconds. There are plenty of fish in the sea - its a big world - go out and enjoy.
9) We do not believe in boy/girl sleepovers so don't ask to have one and don't ask to go to one.

and finally...

10) There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that your father and I haven't already done or considered doing so don't even bother trying to be 'original'. Remember when you were little and we knew exactly what you had done? We still know. We have our ways.
xoxo, sober mommy

Sometimes It Sucks To Be Different

Not usually. But sometimes.

All my life I've been different for some reason. Most of reasons were not really what you call 'true' reasons and probably really didn't make me different in others eyes but to me I felt different.

It changed the way that I felt of myself and the way that I acted towards others.

As an adult I've tried to 'get over myself' to 'not care what people think' but you know what? It's difficult sometimes. It's difficult to be the walnut in a land of almonds. (I know, stupid analogy.)

So where am I going with all this?

Over the last few days with BlogHer going on sobriety has been forefront in my mind. In fact, I've though about it constantly. Things like: would it make it so that no one wants to room with me? Will I be able to participate fully? I keep thinking that, in another year, I'll have 4 years of sobriety - certainly that will help.

WHY do I care about these things? UGH!

In my 'rational' mind I know that anyone who is my friend should certainly understand if I leave a function early - I mean honestly, I don't even think that they would KNOW much less care. I know that most adults understand that it's probably not the easiest thing to do to watch others enjoy something that they can't have. I know that there are those who (GASP) don't drink for other reasons, moral or maybe health reasons.

I know that I won't be alone.

But still......
Only roughly 365 more days until BlogHer '10 - let the panic attacks start now.
xoxo, sober mommy

I Need to Accept That I Am Not Steve -I Mean- Bill Gates


Within the last 24 hours I have (in no uncertain order):
1) Discovered that our desktop computer has been infected with I don't know how many viruses (let's not even GO TO who or how that happened and, for the record it's not my fault).
2) Attempted to install virus software and failed. Miserably.
3) Attempted to do a system restore (it seemed like the right thing to do at the time) to fix the computer and again, failed miserably.

Oh, and it gets better:
1) I've 'borrowed' my ex husband's webcam (there is a story behind that but I'll let it slide) to use for Blogher@Home and determined that I couldn't make it work.
2) I've 'borrowed' another computer which DID have webcam to only determine that I could not make the microphone work with the headset (also purchased).

I've come to the realization that Steve, I mean Bill Gates I'm not.

At this point, I'm seriously contemplating the price of said purchases above and determining if, in fact, it would just be cheaper to attending Blogher next year. Uh, right, THIS is the reason why I'm on my way.

That's right, you read it right, I've already bought my ticket for Blogher '10! It's an entire year away but, yes, I am the proud owner of one of these coveted tickets. Yea me!

So ladies, I need a roommate and someone to obsess with over the next 365 days.

I commit to the following:
I won't care if you come back to the room drunk.
I will be mad if you puke on me.

And finely:
I will snore - probably loudly (I'm not sure though because I'm asleep).

So, have you bought your ticket? Will I get to 'see' you in real life??
xoxo, sober mommy

BlogHer At Home - 2009

This year I'm not going to Blogher and I am SO bummed.
Next year though!

But, for this year, I'm hanging with the other mommies who either decided that the cost was just too much, decided to go too late and couldn't get a ticket, or were afraid they would have a massive panic attack in the lobby of the hotel thereby shaming them into a life of no social media. 

For me, it was a combination of numbers one and two.  And maybe a little of number three.

Luckily for me some truly *awesome* mommy bloggers have solved some of my feelings of inadequecy over the weekend.
This weekend there are multiple at home, virtual, meetups however I am attending two.

The first is the one that is marked by the button on the left side of my blog.  Princess Jenn and Nic from My Bottles Up have done an outstanding job setting up, organizing, and promoting the event.  There are some *awesome* giveaways.  I would tell you to over to the site (you can get there by clicking the Blogher At Home button on the sidebar) and enter them but...oh okay, I will.  Go ahead, click the link and enter the giveaways - but you better NOT win that netbook cause baby that thing (in pink) IS MINE!

The second is called BlogHop '09.  It's also an *awesome* virtual party run by *awesome* mommy bloggers.  Like Blogher At Home, this party will also have giveaways.  Please do take a moment to stop at poke around, introduce yourself, and signup to join us as we 'hop' from blog to blog and meet new friends.  Blogher if you will, in jammies.

So, if you are inclined, join the groups for either of the parties.  You can also follow the gals as we move around this weekend on twitter at @blogherathome @bloghop!
Hope to see you there!

xoxo, sober mommy

Why Fernandina Beach Can Suck It

First, I would like to thank you for *some* of the recent hospitality you showed while we were on our vacation last week - might I mention that it was our first in four years? Might I also mention that if we don't have this opportunity to take another for four years that our oldest child will be in college, therefore no longer truly a child?

However, I do have one complaint to make with you.

When we first we first arrived at Fernandina Beach we, of course, went to the beach - at the end of the road - you know, the one there at end of Sadler? As we pulled up, prepared to unload the truck with our *5* yes, *5* children I was so very happy to see that you, Fernandina Beach had finally understood the plight of the American mom.

You allowed parking on the beach.

This might sound trivial to some but for me it was like manna from heaven. Are you aware,
Fernandina Beach, what all is needed to take *5* kids to the beach for a day? It's almost like packing your house to go on vacation, only add additional inflated beach toys and half your refrigerator contents into a cooler. Imagine my happiness when I saw that I wouldn't have to unload our *5* children and then unload the chairs, tent, food/drinks, inflatables. It was heaven.

Thank you for allowing us one beach day to remember. I'll tell you - watching my 9 year old daughter frolic in the waves with her 13 and 14 year old siblings was something that made my cynical heart smile. I enjoyed too watching my 12 year old play with her baby sister in the sand.

For the next couple of days we went about our vacation, enjoying the pool, the local dining (oh and have I mentioned that I have *5* children? Do you know how much a tab is for basically 6 adults and a baby? Let me inform you - it runs basically $125-150, per trip) movies and putt-putt. As far as the beach goes, it was fun walking down to the beach in the late afternoon (you know when most other people are already gone) to play with the kids one on one.

It probably goes without saying that our last family
beach visit had been carefully scouted out by my husband and my son - they wanted to perfect beach. We packed up the truck again (again, mom was blissful in her knowledge that you could park on the beach) and headed out. The kids were singing along in the car with the windows open, everyone was getting along. Pulling in I thought were were going to have a great family day.

Until we met you - Nassau County Sheriff's deputy (I'll leave you nameless).

Yes, I guess we were a target seeing as how we had a Georgia tag - yes, I'm sure we looked like someone who probably was from out of town and thus maybe not too familiar with
Fernandina Beach. I'll tell you following us down that down that beach while we searched for a perfect spot was genius on your part. It was crafty how you waited until my husband pulled the truck into a space so we wouldn't notice you whipping in beside us. I like how you didn't wait for us to get out of car (thanks for that!) but rather demanded to see our beach pass while we were still sitting ducks. Upon finding out that we didn't know that you had to have such an item I really appreciate your taking the time to go ahead and WRITE US THAT TICKET rather than just telling us that we needed one and how to obtain said pass. Thanks too for telling us that if we had just been 'driving' on the beach it would have been fine but the moment we attempted to park (I guess you don't have to get out) well, then, we were in violation.

Finally, thanks for then telling my husband this that the fine for ticket was over a hundred dollars. Just in case someone in Fernandina Beach hasn't done the math that's roughly 20 times the cost of the pass. I like too how the fine is $100 - just enough to piss you off yet not enough to make you actually come back to Fernandina Beach to fight it. I think that what I enjoyed most of all though was you telling us that you were sorry you inconvenienced us and that we could stay seeing as though we had already gotten the ticket. I hope you understand when my husband was not really very excited about staying at that point.

And, with that, our family vacation was over.

Why you may ask?

You see
Fernandina Beach for a family of *5* children an additional hundred dollars is a big deal. No more eating out, no more putt putt (please read: NO MORE MONEY INTO YOUR LOCAL ECONOMY) no more fun.

Family Vacation, done.
Fun? It's still open for discussion.

xoxo, sober mommy

Back To Work

The title says it all.

Tomorrow, is back to work day.

Strangely, although I'm not 'thrilled' I am ready. I'm ready to get back to being an adult with adult conversations. I can probably do without the adult drama though.

The past week has been the first week of vacation that I've taken with my family in over 5 years. We had a blast - or at least I did - who knows with teenagers? It was so much fun to go to the beach and pool with my girls and to joke around with my stepson. For the record? My step son is one of the coolest kids I know - he's such a gentleman and he's so much like his father - he's going to be such an awesome husband and father someday. It was fun to make memories with them. I'll never forget that I taught all of them that "It Doesn't Matter If You're Black Or White" IS REALLY a song - not just my attempt at humor at Michael Jackson dying. (Has it not been enough time yet Internet for that joke? Come on - you gotta start sometime!)

In reading some other mommy bloggers this weekend I was reminded again of how fast our children grow up - it seems like yesterday that I was bringing home my oldest daughter and just this morning since hubby and I brought home the baby but it's not. I remember when the girls were little thinking that time took forever sometimes when they were grumpy and every day seemed like it was the same (and actually it WAS). Funny though, it's hard to tell exactly when that changed. When did every day being the same warp into school clothes shopping, getting haircuts and highlights, and friends coming left and right.

Time, it passes so quickly. I hope you are enjoying yours because I am enjoying mine!
xoxo, sober mommy

What Happened To The Girl My Husband Married?

What happened to the girl that my husband married?

Well, to begin with this time around I wasn't a girl. I once was a girl (obviously) and I was once a girl, who at 19, was married - that didn't end too well considering we are divorced. So, again obviously, that girl (the 19 yr old) really DID change.

What happened to the bride my husband married in April 2004? Well, she's definitely gone by the waste side and I am *so* fortunate that she did. That girl? That girl was one who was so scared that someone wouldn't love her for who she was that she did anything and I mean anything to make herself someone who could be loved - regardless of the cost to herself. That girl was the one that when disagreements would happen would look down because she was afraid - shielding herself against the fear of either the verbal or mental abuse that would follow, even if in this situation it was never going to happen. That girl was so anxious about *life* that she needed to drink to handle the stress of everyday living.

That girl, I hope, will never come home again.

The girl that took her place is vibrant and alive. This girl is ready to take on life and live it as best as she can. She has no problem acknowledging when she make a mistake and doesn't live in fear wondering what will happen next. This girl is ready to love someone unconditionally without fear that it will be taken away (even if she still sometimes at night asks her husband: "Do you love me?" "Why?" "For forever and ever?" "Do you promise?" ) This girl hugs her children now at night and doesn't gear herself for the next awful thing that will happen but instead tries to live in the joy of the moment.

This girl, I hope, will never leave.

What happened to the girl he married? I don't know, but, if you see her, please have compassion towards her - she's lost and she's afraid yet she's a good person.

But please don't send her my way.

The above post was inspired by Michael Miller's book What Happened to the Girl I Married? the July book club for the SV Moms Group.

xoxo, sober mommy

Are You A Friend Of Maddie??

Friends Of Maddie officially launched their site today and I want to make sure that I acknowledge it appropriately.

Supporting this effort is an easy decision however our family has as personal connection to the world of hospital bedrest, neonatal wards, and premature birth. If you weren't aware, Anna Grace was a NICU baby. Weighing in at a stealth 2 pds/13 ounces her entry into the world wasn't easy and it wasn't fun - for both for us. Pokes and tests awaited Anna Grace when she was born - not the warmth of a blanket and her family. Watching them in the NICU as they stabilized her was heartbreaking. Leaving the hospital without my baby was devastating. Although we had an uneventful NICU stay (e.g. within a month & with no major issues) there are many families who aren't so lucky - their stays don't end well, or they stay for months at a time.

Heather and Mike Spohr know first hand what NICU time is like. Since earlier this year when Maddie past away I've watched quietly from the distance as they struggled to find something that could be a legacy to Maddie - something that would bring a smile rather than tears. I think that through the launch of Friends Of Maddie they've done just that.

The Mission Of Friends Of Maddie:
Our Mission is to provide support to the families of critically ill babies in an effort to help ease the transition into NICU life and to be an ally until the end of their child’s hospital stay.
Taken from the website.

On the left you will see my button that says that I am a Friend of Maddie - if you already aren't would you become a Friend of Maddie too?

Let's help Heather and Mike make a difference - a difference that will be Maddie's legacy.
xoxo, sober mommy

Project 40 Update

Seeing as how Laura is going gangbusters over on Who Moved My Groove, I feel like I'm behind - although I AM ON VACATION Laura! (LOL)

So, not to be outdone (because really what good co dependent narcissist would allow THAT?) I decided to take a look at my dream store, Pottery Barn Kids, to see if I could find anything that I thought would be an 'ideal' for my goal number 3 - Decorate baby's nursery.

The nursery? Spring Daisy - complete with cute kid photos so carefully matted and framed. We can ditch the changing table because hopefully God will rain down joy on me soon and my baby will decide to potty train before, I don't know, age 3? Since I'm living in the land of dreams I would add a matching dresser. Finally, the room would be a gentle, yet, beautiful green color with a beautiful, yet tasteful and age unlimiting mural of flowers, grass, and bumblebees dancing across the wall. (Why yes, Virginia I DO believe in Santa Claus!)

Good news? I already have all the bedding. Bad news? The painting. My husband will.not.paint. Period. End of subject - forever. Of course, like everything else there is also additional backstory of why this seemingly 'easy' task has become complex and ridiculously complex.

Without further a do - the backstory.
When we moved into our house we told the kids: "go and find your bedrooms" which, in case you ever have a new house and a metric ton of children I can tell you, emphatically, DO NOT DO. Why? Because logic doesn't help them decide...oh no, room color does - EVEN if you tell them that all rooms are being painted. End result: the biggest kid got the smallest room...because it was blue. At the time, no baby, it was annoying but we went with it. Now, well it's a problem for two reason 1) she needs more room and 2) I need the smallest bedroom for a nursery.

After much, much discussion I've convinced her to move into the 'ugly' purple room (which finally only occurred when I 'promised' to paint it either bright blue or bright orange - yeah - that'll be happening). This would mean that her sister would then move to right into the current office/nursery and the baby would get the smallest room.


Yes, in my mind. In hubs mind, not so much. He's not excited, AT ALL, about the idea of moving all the kids from room to room. I haven't gotten him past the 'no' yet - but I'm still working on it (and this week of baby sleeping with us is DEFINITELY helping).

Backstory done - whew, that was long! Why can't anything be easy in this house?

So, my internets friends - does anyone have on their list to move around a bunch of furniture, paint rooms, and create cutesy murals? No, I didn't think so.
xoxo, sober mommy

Unintended Collateral Damage

The following is a post created for my previous blog - hope you enjoy...

Over the past weekend I had difficult reality come up and bite me in the ass.

Almost literally.

It happened when my husband and I took the ‘big girls’ out to eat and my husband ordered a beer. There was a subtle shift in mood but none that was extremely obvious. What happened next though there was no mistaking. My husband, the love of my life, the one that has stood behind me through hell and back, well he had the gall to order another beer. This time the shift in mood was not so subtle. Both girls stopped eating and looked at me.

I was ashamed of what I saw.

I saw fear – fear that he was going to drink too much, fear that I was going to join in.

Life shouldn’t be that difficult for a 13 and 10 year old – they shouldn’t fear someone having a beer with dinner – in fact they shouldn’t even THINK about it. I have caused this fear – I – ALONE. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault, it wasn’t anything in one else had a hand in. My drinking became out of control after my divorce, when I was not with my husband I have now. I can’t blame anyone but myself and maybe my f’ed up genes which certainly didn’t help matters.

I have to admit that my husband handled it perfectly. He realized the issue and called the waitress over and calmly, without any comments handed her the beer back. No discussion, no making it a big deal, no nothing – just the impression that said that he cared more about them than he did that beer.

I wish so much that I had given that gift to my girls.

Last night I was watching TV and the words: Unintentional Collateral Damage came up. I honestly don’t remember what it was about – all I remember was that I sat and immediately thought that I had done the same thing I had ranted and raved about in the past that I had inadvertently, without consideration, and without much thought to the end result created:

Unintentional Collateral Damage

So what the hell do I do now?

xoxo, sober mommy

Changes...They Are A Coming...

Reading my blogroll last night I stumbled upon a most awesome idea. What if you could 'make yourself' over? I mean, what if you CHOSE to spend time each week making yourself into the person that you really wanted to be - the person deep down that exists but hasn't come out in oh, I don't know, 10 maybe 15 years? Over at Who Moved My Groove Laura is doing this - she's got 2 years (or 580 days) to do just that and she's thought it out rather well. Laura is taking a list of 20 things and doing them before her 40th birthday - each week choosing three goals and measuring her progress towards them.

This got to me - more importantly it got me thinking. Wasn't that really what I was trying to do? I mean, choosing sobriety was a big first step towards making over myself. Unfortunately (or fortunately since early sobriety really is about ...keeping yourself sober...which IS the only thing you can think out) that's about as far as I've gotten towards remaking myself into someone that I want to be rather than someone who I just am.

So, while I laid in bed trying to ward off the slight sunburn I amassed as part of my first day of vacation, what would my list entail? What are the things that I want to change about myself or get additional insight into? I'm not sure that I can think of 20 but I did come up with a list of 10 that I can work on right now:

1. Find three people 'in real life' that I count as friends.
2. Take a trip with only my husband and myself - even if it's just a weekend.
3. Create and decorate my daughters nursery.
4. Work with a nutritionist to develop healthy eating habits and then DO IT.
5. Volunteer at the rehab center that finally helped me face my demons.
6. Help someone face their demons.
7. Work towards having my daughters a week on and a week off rather than Wednesday through Sunday.
8. Educate myself on current political/current events and be able to discuss.
9. Learn to knit more than just a scarf - a sweater perhaps.
10. Host two dinner parties for new friends.

These might not be the most 'important' or 'difficult' goals but for me some of them are frightening. I haven't had a real 'in life' friend in over 6 years. For a while I was just plain unloveable - now I am paralyzed when I meet someone face to face in a social setting - I don't know what to say. I haven't been asked to go and 'do something', to a party, to anything and I'm lonely. For a while after becoming sober I was just scared - everything seems to revolve around alcohol - at least when you think you are the only one who 'can't' drink and maybe that was a 'safe' way to be - but now, now I'm ready to move forward and let go of the past.

If this sounds good to you why don't you join Laura and I? Sure, it will be difficult, and sure, we might stumble along the way but it'll be fun and, even if only some of our goals are met then we've still met the goal - to change ourselves in a meaningful way. Plus, if you are in the Atlanta area maybe you can become my 'in real life' friend!

Hope to see YOU on our journey!
xoxo, sober mommy

Vacation - Day 1 & Having It All

Well, we got here.
And everyone is still in one piece.

I've been wondering lately how does everyone 'do it all'? I can't figure it out. I see women who can work a full time job, engage in their children's lives completely, and STILL be a size 0. I'm pretty sure that the effort it takes to do all of this helps the size 0 but STILL. I can barely get out of bed, throw a breakfast bar at the kids as I hurry them out the door, dress the baby and get her to daycare and make it to work on time - which is 8:15-8:30 'ish. God help me if that 'ish wasn't added to the equation -I would never make it - I have no doubt.

I've been told it's all about priorities, making them and keeping them.
Maybe that's the issue but I don't think so.

I've been told that I should make a list of things to do and keep it updated.
Well, I do that but still the baby doesn't make it to every monthly appointment - some months I forget to even schedule the stupid things. And, while I'm at it do we really need a monthly appointment for a baby? I mean, couldn't some of those sick visits that I go to 'count' as a checkup?

At this point in my life I've almost come to the conclusion that you CAN'T do it all and I'm tired of society and the media playing it up as though you can. There are 24 hours in a day and of those sleeping must occupy 8. Work must then occupy 8 as well but let's make it 10 to account for the driving to/from and associated stops along the way. What's left? 6 hours but of the 6 hours there's cooking. straightening up, laundry, checking homework, tucking in kids after baths.

So no, I don't see how to do it.
Unless, of course I get a wife.

Maybe there is something to that sister wife thingy...
xoxo, sober mommy

Summer Vacation

Summer Vacation Countdown? 3 Days


The big girls are away this week at grandmas. They are having a wonderful time. So wonderful that they will be totally spoiled by the time we pick them up in Florida. I have to say that my parents have been so good to us. They’ve always helped out – always stood behind me – even when I wasn’t so lovable.

That said, they do drive me crazy sometimes.

But moving on…

Vacation. I don’t anticipate being able to get much sleep, although I will try. I don’t anticipate being able to do everything that the kids want, although I will try. I DID buy myself a bathing suit and the experience was frightening. Frightening enough that it has ‘whipped’ into the desire to lose weight.

I’m down to one donut in the morning instead of two.
Baby steps folks, baby steps.
xoxo, sober mommy

How LONG Can A Month Take?

One Month – thirty (or thirty one, or even 28) days. Doesn’t seem like long does it? I mean think of it, do you remember what you were doing thirty days ago? Unless there was a significant life event then most likely you remember the general ebb and flow of life but the specifics, not so much.

In sobriety, success is counted in months. To begin with it’s counted in days. At the very beginning it’s counted in hours. But let there be no mistake that first month (and for several after that as well) takes FOREVER. As in:


Fly around the world twice and land in Paris.


Plan how you would build the Eiffel Tower.


Obtain all the materials needed for said building to commence.


Build the thing, with all associated delays.

Finally though, you will finish, time moving at a snails pace for sure, but you will finish.

It’s painful to lose a part of your life suddenly. It’s scary not knowing how to live life in a new reality – even if it’s one that you lived before. It’s hard to hear things like: ” Aren’t you over this yet?” or my all time favorite: ” Let’s all go out and party.” (Party? You’ve Got To Be Kidding Right? ((shameless working in of blog name!)) Are you serious? How am I supposed to do THAT?) But you must go on, you must do the thing you thought that you could not do, you must take the hours and make days, which finally string together a month. Why? Because there really is no other choice – you do not yet know for sure that in time the memories won’t be quite as vivid, not as fresh. Don’t misunderstand, you will remember them some of them you will remember with laughter and clarity and yet others you’ll choose to forget and not wish to discuss. All of those things will build who you are. You will be a different person, yet in ways stronger. You will be a different person, but yet in ways weaker – you will know that everything doesn’t happen for a reason and that sometimes the control that we ALL seek will elude you. You will, in time, come to the realization that ridiculous comments are just that, ridiculous comments. That they might make people feel better they do nothing for you and that you have to move on. You will learn that you must learn let go. You will choose to not let what happened define YOU – the you that is still there, even if it’s only a fragment of who you are right now.

You learn at the beginning to keep it simple. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll stumble, yet you will string together those hours, days, and months. You will realize that you are still you.

Deep inside.

Where it counts.

xoxo, sober mommy

The 80's

I admit it – I am a child of the 80’s – meaning, I was not BORN in the 80’s but I was a TEENAGER in the 80’s.

This fact frightens me and amazes me.

In a time when everyone around me was oohing and ahhing over President Reagan and seeding their conservative right wing views I was off on a different path – arguing with my homeroom teacher about the fact that she couldn’t MAKE me say the pledge of allegiance, rocking out to Madonna (note: not the Madonna of today who is into Kabala but the real Madonna, the one that wore 50,000 bracelets and lots of black lace) arguing about whether or not her “Like A Virgin” song was inappropriate, and of course, loving Michael J Fox on Family Ties but hating his political views.

Nancy Reagan though held a special place in my heart for distain. I thought her “Just Say No” crusade was ridiculous despite the fact that I personally had never done drugs. I thought she was nuts for letting out that she used a psychic for assistance in making decisions while she was First Lady. I could go on and on – you get the point.

Like everything else has aged, my views have aged as well.

Over the years though my views on Nancy Reagan have softened. I’ve seen her shield and seclude her husband during his final days so that his legacy was remembered the way he would have wanted it. I admired that she went against political lines to support Stem Cell research knowing that she would face ridicule because she knew that the advances and findings would help millions and millions even if it would no longer help her husband. Finally, I grew to respect her tremendously when I watched her during her president’s funeral – it was heartbreakingly obvious that she loved her “Ronnie” dearly and was shocked and devastated by his death – even if she knew it was coming.

I’ve found too that my views on life have changed. I’ve softened around the edges of my idealistic soul. I’ve learned that I’m not always right all the time – that sometimes things happen for no reason, that I can’t change the world. I’ve learned that I have to like myself and think before I put myself out there – that, believe it or not, not everyone wants or needs to know my opinion. I’ve learned that coming home to a family that loves me and watching TV on a Sunday afternoon with my husband *might* just be a ‘good time’. I’ve learned grown to accept that I’m never going to be a size 2,4,6, or maybe even an 8 again. (I have *not* however accepted that my ass is as large as it has gotten – WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?)

Don’t misunderstand. I still think that it would be great if everyone had health insurance, that all children had access to the same level of education, that everyone had enough food and water.

I’m still just as idealistic even if I’ve learned that I can’t change the world.

xoxo, sober mommy


Every once in a while I sit down and take stock of where I am, where I’ve been, where I am going and yes, if I am being truly honest, where I am going to have my pity party next. The pity parties are becoming farther and farther apart as are the thoughts of having one but recently…. let’s just say I’ve been contemplating one that, honestly, I would think that by now I would have the knowledge of how to avoid.

But that’s the point isn’t it?

If it were easy to be in recovery then everyone who decided one day that they were finished with drinking or using would just ‘poof’ stop. That however, is usually not the case. Some of us decide and succeed in walking away and well some of us, we go kicking and screaming and have to have absolutely ridiculous things happen to us before the light bulb turns on and we say to ourselves: “Okay, THAT was enough – it’s time.”

Might I add that, from experience, once the light bulb happens the process becomes infinitely simpler.

In recovery you learn things like:

  • Keep It Simple
  • First Things First
  • Change Your Playgrounds & Playmates

In the past two years I’ve been pretty successful (not all the time but a substantial portion of the time) at keeping those three simple rules activated and not thinking that I was above them. I’m afraid to say that over the past few weeks I’ve let a few of them slide – okay, all of them. As in: off the charts, down the abyss, in the hole take your analogy. This morning was a wake up call that I need to talk about. This morning I, inadvertently, went against the number 1 rule – the one to keep it simple.


Simple: I tried too hard. I forgot myself and who I am, what is important to me, and that just by being me I’m probably likeable enough by at least someone.

Right now those feelings of ‘someone isn’t going to like me if I’m not just like them’ are flooding back to the surface and I don’t like them. I’m questioning myself AND ANSWERING which is a dangerous thing. The questioning is okay, it’s the answering that always gets me into trouble. So I’m back to the same day I started this journey (for reals this time – unlike all the other times it was just BS to get my husband to shut up) – I’m using my tools – I’m not rationalizing but I am taking a serious inventory and working through the what’s of my thoughts, whether or not it’s a rational thought, and who or how can I get some help with it.

God, I wish that this was easier. I wish that it was just a simple decision and didn’t have any long term impact and most of all – I wish that my brain would just CHANGE.

xoxo, sober mommy