Ever wonder how I got here????

Thanks to Stefanie over at Baby On Bored I'm telling my story. Come over and join in if you want. --Me

Celebrity Rehab – Season 3

I have become obsessed with Celebrity Rehab.

Why?

First of all it is a perfect view of rehab. Rehab is an exhausting, painful process. Discussing feelings and situations that you are afraid of and have been hiding for a lifetime takes *so* much out of you. Coming face to face with your family the first time sober is terrifying. The feelings they go through discussing their fears for you is painful. Unfortunately the rehab process sometimes takes multiple attempts before you've gotten everything out and are able to find a doctor that can really look objectively and look beyond the addiction to see what else could be the matter. I know that it did for me. Over and over I would tell the doctor out of my anxiety. I would tell them about my depression and about when I would I do things impulsively and they would just say that was my addiction. All the while I would see on my forms a bipolar diagnosis. No one ever took the time to refer me to a doctor that would help those feelings.

Finally someone did and real rehab began. The doctor told me that becoming sober would be almost impossible without meds to help and would continue to be depressed, continue to wrap myself in my feelings and self medicate to calm the anxious feelings.

I still can get mad that I was treated as a worthless alcoholic rather than someone who needed help over and above my addiction.

I'm particularly interested this season of Celebrity Rehab in a couple of people:

Mindy McCready - The amount of solidarity I feel for her is immense. I have so much empathy for losing custody of her child. She's someone that I *hope so much* makes it. She's worth it. I hope that she sees it too. I saw the article that was on ET Online and she looks great.

Mike Starr - Mike's struggle with acceptance over the death of his friend is heartbreaking. This week's show showed though how the simple act of having someone whose opinion you value most tells him that she forgives him - that it wasn't his fault - that his friend would have wanted him to make the best of his life. I truly hope that this momentous event for him has made all the difference because he's worth it too.

If you too are struggling with addiction I encourage you to find the help of someone known as addiction doctor. They specialize in not only helping you through your addiction but they also focus on some of the medical <em>why</em> of addiction.

When I did I got sober.

And it saved my life.

Talking' Valentines With Girl Talk Thursday

I found this week's Girl Talk Thursday pretty interesting. I'm always
amazed that some people 'fight' for 'official' days to acknowledged and then until the next one they are satisfied and life is just all great
and happy - while receiving no acknowledgement at all.

So here goes my thought...

For me Valentine's Day has always been a 'whatever' day. I guess my 'Whatever' of Valentine's Day stems from this one simple thought.

I would rather someone be nice to me on any random day than to pretend
or feel forced to be nice to me because the date on the calendar is
February 14th.

And you know what?
For the most part I get that.
So 'Whatever' it is.

Look, I just need my drugs and other random facts from my existence

I mean, how hard is it?

Why is it that EVERY TIME I have to order from you Medco it is a nightmare. Not just any nightmare. A nightmare of EPIC proportions. I order one order and it comes in 1,2,3…87 shipments – it just depends on the number of scripts I request. For a company that professes to save you money I just don’t see how sending each d*mn one in its own individual UPS package saves us money. It would seem like it would make an awful lot of sense to…I dunno…fill the request, IN FULL, and then send it out?

Trust me.
Sending each script INDIVIDUALLY through UPS ain’t cheap. Believe me, my husband works there.

Medco – I just totally don’t get you.
And, I’m not sure I want to.

And now, an update on the wee ones:
The wee one has made **3** pee pee’s in the potty. Woo Hoo!
The middle one is continuing to eek out the school year. I wish I could fast forward her to graduation. For her sake. And mine.
The oldest one has Freshman Festival coming up this Saturday for high school. We went to the ‘orientation’ for high school last week. Dude, high school is scary now. I’m glad that I don’t have to go.

Anyone looking to support a new mommy who totally deserves it go to http://www.myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com.

And, last but not least, I get a new laptop for work soon. It can’t happen soon enough because my keyboard?

It’s driving me crazy.

The Hardest 12 Steps - Step 1

After being forced into taking that look into the mirror and honestly ask myself if I had a problem with alcohol I froze. I froze because I didn't *want* to come to the realization that I had a problem. I froze because frankly I wasn't sure what to do after I admitted it.

I froze and ran. For 3 more very, very long years.

The internets are abuzz lately with women admitting that they too might need to take that look in the mirror. In reading their tales I wonder who looked back at them when they looked into that mirror.

Was it as it was for me a look of disgust bordering on hate?
Was it a look of acceptance, of relief?

*What* did they see staring back at them?

Part of recovery, whether or not an 'official' 2 step program is being followed, is coming to the acceptance that life as it is known right now, isn't working any longer. That just saying "NO" isn't working. That being 'in control' is beyond what is possible. Accepting defeat, moving past the denial on this first step sometimes takes a very very long time.

In my head I know that the questions that I posted above have answers that aren't really needing to be answered - at least to me.

But still, I wonder.

I wonder if I'm alone with the way that I feel about myself.

How To NOT Work All Day

**NOTE: This is a work of fiction.
***NOTE: In the interest of anyone actually entertaining any actual *thought* that I don't...you know...WORK.

In my 20403034 years of working I've determined that sometimes at WORK you have to give yourself a little time out. That's right, a time OUT. Otherwise you can find yourself explaining why you rolled your eyes while others were talking but weren't actually **saying** anything. Not that this happens to me. Well, it does but who's counting?

For me my time out involves trolling the interwebs. Where I work though there are APPROPRIATE and INAPPROPRIATE websites and those deemed "Inappropriate For Business Use" are of course all the fun ones so I'm forced to be more resourceful in my trolling. In all honesty though it would be so much easier to just allow Facebook at the office. I mean, unless you're addicted to Farmville or whatever it is. Then it probably wouldn't be. I guess that's why I don't run the office for appropriate vs. inappropriate.

Whatever.

When one enters into a NOT SAFE website you get an error. These errors instill fear in everyone. Needless to say, I go out of my way to avoid such encounters.

Until today.

Today I was over at http://www.mommyismoody.com/ and somehow wandered onto a link to a post titled: Being Bipolar Got Me Screwed...A Lot. Words cannot even fathom how fast I clicked that link. Of course I completely discarded the fact that it indicated it had been written for a s*x column. Of course I totally ignored the fact that I was **at work** and not **at home** where each of my keystrokes aren't being monitored. Of course.

TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE

Not that I would look at anything like that at work.

Of course.

A Wordy Wednesday

Q: What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look a little flushed.

One pee on the potty down, thousands more to go.

Yes, you read right one pee on the potty down for Anna Grace!
Hooray!

One step closer towards no diapers means one step closer to more disposable income.
I'm totally getting a maid.

Hurry up kid.