Unintended Collateral Damage

The following is a post created for my previous blog - hope you enjoy...

Over the past weekend I had difficult reality come up and bite me in the ass.

Almost literally.

It happened when my husband and I took the ‘big girls’ out to eat and my husband ordered a beer. There was a subtle shift in mood but none that was extremely obvious. What happened next though there was no mistaking. My husband, the love of my life, the one that has stood behind me through hell and back, well he had the gall to order another beer. This time the shift in mood was not so subtle. Both girls stopped eating and looked at me.

I was ashamed of what I saw.

I saw fear – fear that he was going to drink too much, fear that I was going to join in.

Life shouldn’t be that difficult for a 13 and 10 year old – they shouldn’t fear someone having a beer with dinner – in fact they shouldn’t even THINK about it. I have caused this fear – I – ALONE. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault, it wasn’t anything in one else had a hand in. My drinking became out of control after my divorce, when I was not with my husband I have now. I can’t blame anyone but myself and maybe my f’ed up genes which certainly didn’t help matters.

I have to admit that my husband handled it perfectly. He realized the issue and called the waitress over and calmly, without any comments handed her the beer back. No discussion, no making it a big deal, no nothing – just the impression that said that he cared more about them than he did that beer.

I wish so much that I had given that gift to my girls.

Last night I was watching TV and the words: Unintentional Collateral Damage came up. I honestly don’t remember what it was about – all I remember was that I sat and immediately thought that I had done the same thing I had ranted and raved about in the past that I had inadvertently, without consideration, and without much thought to the end result created:

Unintentional Collateral Damage

So what the hell do I do now?

xoxo, sober mommy


Perksofbeingme said...

I love you and you are doing the best thing you can for your girls. you're not drinking. Please know that I'm standing beside you 100%. If there is ANYTHING I can do please let me know. I love you

BabyonBored said...

I feel you, sober sister. Glad I found your blog.

Mini said...

I'm so glad I found your blog. Growing up, my mom was an alcoholic but now has 3 years sober and I couldn't be more proud of her. If you ever want to speak to the grown up daughter of an alcoholic, I'll be here for you. What are a doing is amazing, and even though I don't know you, I am so proud and happy for you.

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