I would be lying if I said that I never think of drinking.

When I was first trying to get sober one of the things that bothered me the most was that I wouldn't be able to have alcohol anymore.  Like, ever.  For real.  By that point I couldn't even fathom life without a glass of chardonnay or a vodka tonic.  (As a side note - the more blogs I read about women in recovery the more I'm struck by the fact that almost *all* of us drank chardonnay and vodka. After thinking about it I think I know why - chardonnay is a socially acceptable 'girl' drink and vodka?  Let's just say that I think there are more than a few out there who think, "Oh, but it's ODORLESS".  Don't laugh - I've heard many **including me** say it.) 

What was I talking about?  Oh  yeah, that never drinking again thing.  When I was first sober the thought looked something like this:  OMGOMGOMG I CAN NEVER DRINK AGAIN?  ARE YOU CRAZY?  YOU AREN'T?  WHAT DO YOU DODODODODO WITH ALL YOUR TIME?  WHAT DO I SAY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME IF I WANT A GLASS OF WINE?  ARE YOU SAYING I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE AGAIN?  ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SAYING NONE?  LIKE NOT EVEN IN FOOD?  WHAT ABOUT A NON ALCOHOLIC BEER?  NOT EVEN THAT?  WELL THEN TELL ME MRS. RAY OF SUNSHINE COMING OUT OF YOUR BUTT - DO YOU *ACTUALLY* PRACTICE THIS TOO?  REALLY?  DAMN.

I know that seems a little over the top but seriously, this is how I felt.  I felt like someone was taking away something from me that allowed me to function.  In reality quite the opposite was true.  I wasn't functioning, hell, I was barely living by that time.  Still though, deep inside I remembered a life without all the drama, a life that centered around being a family rather than one spent building up walls because honestly?  No one wanted to be around me.

It's the insidious nature of this addiction that creeps back into your mind.  Just when you think, "Oh, I'm okay - life is good" life turns around and slaps you in the face.  For me that's when I have to really step back and reset.  It's the time when I find myself going over and over all the good things that *are* in my life right now when I think, "Maybe just one wouldn't hurt".  Oh, it would hurt alright, it would hurt a lot.  Sometimes I just have to go to bed.  Sleep is safe. 

I find that usually this feeling comes either when life gets anxious or when I have a dream where I think I am drinking again.  Two nights ago I woke up in a sweat because I had a dream where I was drinking.  In the dream I was drinking and was terrified  that my husband would find out.  I was hiding bottles and drinking mouthwash. 

It was exactly how I use to live my life.

It's dreams like that and the joy I had this weekend of redecorating my 14 year old's room that stop me in my tracks and make me remember what it was like then and what it is like now.

I would be lying if I said that I never think of drinking.
But I would also be lying if I said that if I did I would lose all that I've built back up.

One more minute, one more hour, one more day.  That's the only way to do it.  At least for me.