And Now, For The Rest Of The Story

I'm one tired, frustrated, cranky mess. I was out of my medicine for a week and that is totally not acceptable. Worst of all? it's all my fault. It's not like I didn't KNOW that it would happen. What am I? 12? Someone who thinks that the rules don't apply to her? Don't answer that - I'm WORKING on this people. A procastinator? Of course. Interestingly I am only a procastinator when I have not many things to do. Give me more than someone reasonable can handle? I'm ALL over it. But not so busy? Not so interested. Anyone else?

If you relate to any of the above? Well, I don't know what to say other than I feel your pain.

It's times like this when that little voice inside my head starts to question myself. It goes something like this....

Really? I know you SAY that your an alcoholic but really are you? Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, life is more stable thus you would be able to have I don't know, 1 or 2 glasses of chardonnay? Besides everyone makes an ass out of themselves from time to time. It wasn't just you.

Then, *thank god*, the rational voice jumps in with...

Really? Yea, really. Your life is stable ONLY because you aren't drinking uh, I don't know 1 or 2 glasses of Chardonnay that you would cop to. The other 4 or 5 you think you hid? Yeah, not so much. And what? You are back to thinking that Vodka doesn't smell. You are delusional. And what about that everyone makes an ass out of themselves? Yeah, that's true the only part you left out is being ridiculous is one thing it's whole other thing to get so trashed that you go into pass out mode while your eyes are open. (Yes, that really happened to me. At the neighborhood Christmas Party. Yeah, let that one sink in for a moment. We haven't gone to anything else in the neighborhood since. That's me - Miss Good Times. Um no.)

I write this to say that the post I posted yesterday, the one about what I thought Lindsay needed?  Yeah, it was full of everything that is bad in recovery.

Thinking that I'm different than someone else?
Thinking that I know what someone should or shouldn't do based on MY experiences?

Yeah, those are the reasons why the little thoughts start to come into my head.
I need to stop.
Anyone else feel the same right now?

OMG - A Post, A Post, A Post - And My Thoughts On Lindsay Lohan

Boy, that was a while, wasn't it?
No time no blog, right?

Life here is still going swimmingly.  I've only thought about drinking about a hundred thousand times in the last few weeks.  I'm in serious need of structure and accountability.

So...
Amanda, meet your accountability partner, BLOG.  Your relationship with BLOG is only as good as your effort put in.  BLOG cannot write posts for you nor can she follow you each day to remind you. 

Moving on....

Lindsay Lohan.  What do I think about this?  I think that, unfortunately, it's time for her to pay the price for dodging responsiblities.  I read on some website that Lindsay didn't really think that the whole 'jail' thing would happen - that her lawyer would 'take care of it' - in other words, she was paying for someone to handle it and by god, it should be handled.  Her old lawyer and her parents weren't doing her any favors.  Somewhere along the way I truly think her lawyer knew this but was hoping that she would eventually wise up and get with the program. 

Unfortunately no.

The sentence handed down by the judge was just in my opinion.  In order for her to serve any meaningful time in jail (remember last time she was in for a grand total of 84 minutes) it would take the sentence imposed.  Requiring rehab *after* jail only helps to ensure that she will actually be through the majority of the detox so that maybe the help she will get will have some chance of being meaningful. 

Being a mom I would be terrifed if she was my child.  I would do whatever it takes to get her help.  I realize too that I would have to fight the feelings of enabling her to make her happy and perhaps dead versus being a hard ass thus being an enabler to make her happy AND alive.  It's just sad that choosing option 2 is just *so* hard sometimes.  On paper it looks obvious - but oh, I imagine it's the most difficult thing you would ever do.

A Mother's Day Wish...

A mother's love begins
Before the child is born
And lasts through time
And difficulties
And differences
And many wounds
And days of joy
And days of sorrow
Winding, wearing
Weeping, sharing
Changing
Until, at the end
What remains
Is that solid core
That began as love
Before the child was born. 

 

Poem:  Ruth Greer (rgreer@uplogon.com)

Picture:  Derek McCrea

I'm pretty sure my husband will cough up a lung if I bring home a pair of $150 dollar sandles. And other things I should be embarrassed to admit.

Random Musings...

• So what if my new obsession is a pair of $150.00 sandles?  Oh MY!  They are monogrammed and customized - two of my favorite words.  Seriously?  I have unbelievable obsession with my initials, my kids initials, it doesn't matter.  If it's monogrammed then I'm probably going to gravitate to it.   And anything that has the perception of custom?  I could fodder on and on but you know what?  I just like to feel like I am special.  And apparently narcissistic - so let's leave it with that.
• And pee on the seat when you go to the ladies room at work?  An open letter to all women:  I KNOW that you were told as a youngster that you can catch an STD from drips on the seat but you know what?  It's totally not true.  So, PLEASE sit on the seat and pee.  And, if you just have to pee from basically a standing position, please just wipe.  It's really not that difficult.  Really.
• My children are sucking me dry of money.  Over the next few weeks their father and I will be paying for new clothes to go on the school out of town trip, registration fee for colorguard (it's 200 bucks and it's a DEPOSIT??  This frightens me.), and last but not least, registration for cheerleading.   So just a word of advice to those who have small children....it's not the baby years that are the most expensive it's the teen years.  Just sayin'.
• Finally, dear Mozilla that I love so dear.  Thanks a lot (NOT) for stopping development work on Windows Fennec.  You have no idea how this upsets me so given that I was forced into this crappy window based HTC.  I should have gone Android, I know.  I love your add-ons and the weave concept but alas, I now have nothing to weave to now. 
• Twitter - you have no idea how much I miss you.  I wish that things like work, and cleaning the house didn't interfere with my ability to come and join you.  Maybe someday soon though.  Maybe someday soon.

I would be lying if I said that I never think of drinking.

When I was first trying to get sober one of the things that bothered me the most was that I wouldn't be able to have alcohol anymore.  Like, ever.  For real.  By that point I couldn't even fathom life without a glass of chardonnay or a vodka tonic.  (As a side note - the more blogs I read about women in recovery the more I'm struck by the fact that almost *all* of us drank chardonnay and vodka. After thinking about it I think I know why - chardonnay is a socially acceptable 'girl' drink and vodka?  Let's just say that I think there are more than a few out there who think, "Oh, but it's ODORLESS".  Don't laugh - I've heard many **including me** say it.) 

What was I talking about?  Oh  yeah, that never drinking again thing.  When I was first sober the thought looked something like this:  OMGOMGOMG I CAN NEVER DRINK AGAIN?  ARE YOU CRAZY?  YOU AREN'T?  WHAT DO YOU DODODODODO WITH ALL YOUR TIME?  WHAT DO I SAY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME IF I WANT A GLASS OF WINE?  ARE YOU SAYING I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE AGAIN?  ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SAYING NONE?  LIKE NOT EVEN IN FOOD?  WHAT ABOUT A NON ALCOHOLIC BEER?  NOT EVEN THAT?  WELL THEN TELL ME MRS. RAY OF SUNSHINE COMING OUT OF YOUR BUTT - DO YOU *ACTUALLY* PRACTICE THIS TOO?  REALLY?  DAMN.

I know that seems a little over the top but seriously, this is how I felt.  I felt like someone was taking away something from me that allowed me to function.  In reality quite the opposite was true.  I wasn't functioning, hell, I was barely living by that time.  Still though, deep inside I remembered a life without all the drama, a life that centered around being a family rather than one spent building up walls because honestly?  No one wanted to be around me.

It's the insidious nature of this addiction that creeps back into your mind.  Just when you think, "Oh, I'm okay - life is good" life turns around and slaps you in the face.  For me that's when I have to really step back and reset.  It's the time when I find myself going over and over all the good things that *are* in my life right now when I think, "Maybe just one wouldn't hurt".  Oh, it would hurt alright, it would hurt a lot.  Sometimes I just have to go to bed.  Sleep is safe. 

I find that usually this feeling comes either when life gets anxious or when I have a dream where I think I am drinking again.  Two nights ago I woke up in a sweat because I had a dream where I was drinking.  In the dream I was drinking and was terrified  that my husband would find out.  I was hiding bottles and drinking mouthwash. 

It was exactly how I use to live my life.

It's dreams like that and the joy I had this weekend of redecorating my 14 year old's room that stop me in my tracks and make me remember what it was like then and what it is like now.

I would be lying if I said that I never think of drinking.
But I would also be lying if I said that if I did I would lose all that I've built back up.

One more minute, one more hour, one more day.  That's the only way to do it.  At least for me.

Dear Maddie

Dear Maddie -

Last year you were here one minute and gone the next.  It's still difficult for me to believe and even more so for your family.   Your smile and laugh were contagious.  You were coming into your own - searching out the world and what was in it.  You had no fear yet, you were just soaking it all in. 

Over the last year your mommy and daddy have kept your memory strong.  They have dealt with feelings and emotions that so many never have to face head on and vowed to give your short life meaning.  Your mommy was so scared that people wouldn't remember you - quite the opposite has happened - many, many not only remember you but lives have been saved  through their work with the March of Dimes.  They started Friends Of Maddie so that other families can know that they are thought of.

You've been an inspiration to me Maddie.  You have made me stop and be in the moment more - to give more hugs and kisses.  You've inspired me to take more pictures - even if I'm not very good.  One night I asked your mommy how to make the background fade - she told me but honestly, I've never been able to do it - your mommy is a much better photographer than I am.

There have been times in my life when my faith hasn't been strong.  After you passed away I questioned God again - WHY would he do this - to anybody?  WHAT is the purpose of families going through this?  I've never received an answer though - at least not one that I understood.  At the end of the day though I've had to push my questions aside and have faith that someday your mommy and daddy will see you again.  I have to have that faith because I need to believe that I will see Addison again. 

I just have to.

Love -
Amanda

Why Can't She Just Stop?

Recently I've been part of several 'how much is too much' drinking
conversations and having them brought back lots and lots of bad
memories.  Watching as women sat and made attempts to distance
themselves from what the outside looks obvious.  After one such
discussion a husband looked at me and asked if I had been the same
way.  Yes, was my answer.

It's a tight line I walk sometimes with discussing drinking too much.
What is drinking too much?  When is it too much?  Where does the line
cross from 'something we all did when we were young' to over the top?
When speaking I have to tell the truth - the answers to questions like
the ones asked above have to be answered by the person who is asking
them.  Unfortunately there are no easy answers and no rules.  If only
there were a list to check off - hungover more than 3 times a week?
Blacking out more than once a month?  Counting down the hours until
5:00 when it's 'acceptable' to have a cocktail?  If only.

I sat down and discussed that when I was drinking my mind was not
really my own - that once the line was crossed it became harder and
harder to see the progression of my drinking and its impact and that
at some point it was impossible.  The husband told me that his wife
was a good mother.  A good friend.  Of course she is I said.  I told
him that women feel so much guilt and remorse about their drinking
that just making a decision that having a problem is the easy part -
the hard part is what to do about it.

So many questions.
Can't she just stop?
Can't she see that she's hurting the children?
Can't she see that I miss her at night?

The best that I could do was to help him understand that the problem
didn't start yesterday.  That it had been there for a while - even if
it wasn't evident.  I talked about how for me it wasn't something that
just went way like a bad case of the flu.  That it takes  time and
that truly it's never really 'done'.  My husband suggested that he try
and find someone to talk with so that he would have somewhere to vent
and to get support for himself - that helping himself wasn't selfish -
it was necessary.  So many things to fit into an hour - an hour was
just the start.

Just Stop.  Just Stop.
How I remember thinking that .... for years.

I bet she is too.