Well, that was an airhead moment....

I'm participating in Girl Talk Thursday because baby, I did a dumb, dumb thing at work yesterday.

The day started out the way days do now days when your doing the work of two people instead of one.  Meetings, meeting, training, meeting, meeting and of course my *favorite* of all - let's all gather our status and discuss!  Yea me!!  I was tired.  I was rundown and most of all, I was starving by the time 4:00 rolled around.  Silly me had scheduled a call for 4 that should take no more than 30 minutes but of course took a good 10 to get started.  *And* in a just amazing show of intelligence I scheduled another for 4:30.  I worked with my client watching the computer clock as the minutes went by.  4:15, 4:20, 4:25.  Frustrated I sent an email to my 4:30 and rescheduled.

FINALLY we got what we were working on to work.  I had made the changes needed and then, with apparently no thought, opened email, attached the document, and hit SEND.

Needless to say I almost crapped in the floor at that moment.  Instead I just put my head down and hyperventilated.  I had sent something that shouldn't be sent.  QUICKLY I hit the recall and delete message and by a miracle it worked.

Or at least I think it did.
Question now?  Do I call and say, "hey, did I send something to you yesterday that was X client accidently?'  Or just leave it alone?  I'm choosing leave it alone, crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best. 

Yep.  Brilliant I know.  Sometimes my 14 yr old looks at me like she's wondering how I get up in the morning and get myself to work.

I think she may have a point. 

Follow Friday Edition

Well, it's that time again and, even though I've been massively sick and away from Twitter I still have a list of favorites that I still want to acknowledge. These folks are in no specific order - just folks I love to talk with and have provided support over the last few months.

Cecilyk - She's the best ever. I love blog, Uppercase Woman and love her tweets. She's not always the voice of 'popular' opinion but she's always honest and I feel such a kindship with her. Definitely not someone to miss.

DomesticDebacle - She's super supportive and I have enjoyed chatting with her very much. I hope I'm able to do it much much more. Take a look at her blog - she's interesting.

MariahDawn - Ahh, a kindred spirt. Not only of blended familes but also a parent of teens. She and I have so much in common and I'd love to meet her in real life - but, she lives in California and I live in ummm, not California.

PrincessJenn - No favorite list would be without her. She's my favorite person to chat with and favorite person to commisserate with. No good day comes without contact from Jenn.

Finally, my favorite funny lady in the world, MommyWantsVodka. Yes, I know her blog name is not something I should be reading (based on my past love of the drink) but she doesn't talk about it at all. She's funny and she's real - don't read her? You should!

Love & Sadness

I've shared recently how emotionally I'm struggling to stay positive, to stay focused. I've cried, a lot, over the last few months. I've been emotionally drained from it all. My medicine is working - making it better it's just..... I don't know.

That's the problem.

I just *don't* know what is wrong.

Right after I entered into sobriety I also entered into therapy. I was so hardened by everything that had happened - what was still happening - that the idea of actually 'going' there wasn't an option. I fought it. Hard. I fought the one thing that probably would have helped me the most because I was honestly afraid of what would happen if I let down the guard - if I let someone in.

If I allowed myself to feel again.

It took several tries at therapy to finally get me to agree to just try something different. To let down the walls. To give, and more importantly, take the flow of relationships again. To let it out. All of it. The hopes that were now gone. The losses I had gone through. To admit the things that I had done wrong. To let go of things that I had no control over.

It was hard.

But through it all my husband was there. Once the tears started it seemed like they never stopped. I fought him, I fought everything, I fought every single feeling that I was having because I didn't HOW to fight them.

Through it all he would take me by the hand, wipe my tears and tell me that I *was* worth it.
That he would stand behind me.

That he would always be there.

So with those memories I keep going. They make me go back to that time when I *did* know what I was crying for and makes me remember that I don't have those things to cry about any longer.

Life is good.
I have love and laughter back into my life.

I just wish I could figure out *what* is still making me cry.

An Open Letter To My Friends

Dear, well, everyone:

My entry into the blogging world came a very long time ago. In fact I even remember exactly how I found the genre. I found them through Jennifer Weiners website. At her main site she linked to her blog and I began to followed it. More importantly, at the bottom of her blog she had links to others - mom blogs, writer blogs. I read them all. At the time my children were little and my job was out of town Monday through Friday so I would spend my evenings after I got back to my hotel going from blog to blog - reading and commenting. Eventually though, the kids got a little older, my life got busier and my attention span drifted away. Ultimately though I would always return - I would always go back and read Jennifer's blog and then link, link, link to others. I loved hearing what others had to say.

Then I got divorced.
It's hard to explain the loneliness that I felt at that time. It's funny, the more you stay alone the more difficult it becomes to get out - or at least it has been for me. I can count, on one hand, the number of times since I was divorced that I've gone out with friends. Its easy because the number of times is none. At first I said I was a hermit jokingly then it became reality.

So, at the beginning of this year I made a commitment to myself. I was tired of being alone. I was also seriously freaked out about going out and trying to find a friend. So, being the nerd that I am I decided to let the internet be my guide. My first venture in was Facebook or, as my 13 year old daughter calls it, the gateway drug to Twitter. I enjoyed Facebook and I still do but was craving immediate gratification (like any good addictive personality would).

That led me to Twitter I found my first few friends on Twitter through their 'follow me' birds on their blogs. I took them at their word that they would follow me back and you know what? For the most part you have. I've linked from person to person and somehow, over the span of a few months now have dozens of women (and men) that I call friends. I remember my first few tweets as well - I apologize if you were one of those who received one - they were really, really bad - worse than the drivel I tweet now if you can believe it.

All of this to say....

Thank you so much for the friendship and support you have all given to me over the past 4 months. To say that you've helped prop me up and bring back the person who was lost for so many years is not an understatement. I hope that in some way I am supporting you back as well. Just six months ago I would have been terrifed to write about my recovery, my family, my life but watching you all write...it made ME want to open up more - and that is something I've ran from for a very long time.

YOU are part of my life now.
And I'm so glad.