That's the problem.
I just *don't* know what is wrong.
Right after I entered into sobriety I also entered into therapy. I was so hardened by everything that had happened - what was still happening - that the idea of actually 'going' there wasn't an option. I fought it. Hard. I fought the one thing that probably would have helped me the most because I was honestly afraid of what would happen if I let down the guard - if I let someone in.
If I allowed myself to feel again.
It took several tries at therapy to finally get me to agree to just try something different. To let down the walls. To give, and more importantly, take the flow of relationships again. To let it out. All of it. The hopes that were now gone. The losses I had gone through. To admit the things that I had done wrong. To let go of things that I had no control over.
It was hard.
But through it all my husband was there. Once the tears started it seemed like they never stopped. I fought him, I fought everything, I fought every single feeling that I was having because I didn't HOW to fight them.
Through it all he would take me by the hand, wipe my tears and tell me that I *was* worth it.
That he would stand behind me.
That he would always be there.
So with those memories I keep going. They make me go back to that time when I *did* know what I was crying for and makes me remember that I don't have those things to cry about any longer.
Life is good.
I have love and laughter back into my life.
I just wish I could figure out *what* is still making me cry.
